Iceland and the UK election

What is it with Iceland? First they can't control their dam banks so fritter all our money away and then they can't control their bloody volcano which succeeds where Al Qaeda has historically failed because they've managed to shut down our entire air space indefinitely. What a disaster, particularly for my friends stuck out in Arizona, forced to endure even more endless sunshine and great sounding sporting activities. My heart bleeds.

I've just watched the first party leader debate on the UK's Independent Television network. Well, never mind who said what - who looked best? Nick Clegg got my vote for the best tie, David Cameron won for the best suit and Gordon ... oh gawd. Well done to ITV for screening a question from a token Jewish person and showing that they had someone in a muslim head dress in the studio audience. So P.C. So pukey.

When our leader and would-be leaders got to the question of law and order, Clegg and Brown talked a load of rubbish but Cameron seemed to have the right ideas on longer and more punitive sentences for crimes affecting people's lives. But we're always told that our prisons are overcrowded so they haven't got the room have they? Don't worry, I think I've come up with the solution. We must round up the criminals and tie them all together with a thick rope in a very tight bunch. Then ship 'em to Iceland and pop them as a 'cork', headfirst into the mountain top to stem the volcanic eruption.

Voilà! Two birds with one stone and all that. Roll on May 7th.