The 10 Point Divorce Guide

There may be some people sailing painlessly through divorce but if there are, I haven't met them. Whether you're the 'leaveor' or the 'leavee', the experience is exquisitely painful in a way that only the personally experienced know they could do without.  So, for those of you about to take or just having taken the plunge, here's my ten point survival plan.

1.  Reconsider.  If you can avoid it, don't do it.  It's best avoided.  If there's a shred of respect an/or hope left in your marriage, work on it, especially if you have children.

2.  Once the decision's made and whilst you can still be civil, agree not use your children as weapons.  It's not big, it's not clever and it will end in tears.  How much better to handle the children as a sensitive, separate issue?  Always try to act in their best interests so don't bad- mouth each other and, if your children are old enough, consult them about how they want to play it. This assumes that both divorcing parties are at least partially sane which, I concede, is highly improbable.  If I am proud about anything to do with my divorce it is that our son has emerged relatively unscathed due, in part, to our joint efforts not to use him as our football.  

3. Choose a first-rate, specialist divorce lawyer and preferably one who believes in mediation.  This is critical as it's at times like these where 'cheap' can prove very, very expensive.  Don't be tempted to co-opt your friend who specialises in property law or do a DIY job because you think you're grown up enough to negotiate your own agreement.  Trust me (I'm a divorcee) you can only lose.

4.  If you find that after all that trouble, you hate your carefully selected, first-rate divorce lawyer or feel that this is not a person with whom you can do business, move on.  This is relatively easy to do at an early stage but far more difficult (and expensive) to do further down the line.

5.  Don't use your divorce lawyer as a therapist.  Therapists in London cost £50 - £150 per hour, Lawyers here cost upwards of £300 (plus VAT) and they charge in units of six and a half minutes.  They don't always provide Kleenex and their coffee usually stinks.  I rest my case. Make sure that you have a good support network in place before you leave the marriage; you're going to need it.

6.  Watch your support network collapse and expect fall-out in the most astonishing areas. Prepare to be crushed by people you had thought of as friends.  One of my friends of 35 years standing, who had all but loathed my husband during our fifteen-year marriage, capriciously appointed herself as his champion, taking umbrage at my 'unfair' treatment of him.  We no longer speak.  Another one took exception to my new boyfriend and then took to the hills. When I moved into my new house in the same street as a third friend, feeling vulnerable, rootless and fearful for the future, she decided I was too close for comfort and promptly cancelled our formerly warm friendship whilst simultaneously creating an unpleasantly hostile living environment.  My good friends who did stay the course are truly exceptional people to whom I shall evermore be indebted.  They know who they are.

7.  Steer well clear of any one-to-one contact, however innocent, with the husbands of any friends even if they are this century's answer to Quasimodo and you 'wouldn't go there' if he was the last man standing.  He will see you as easy pickings, the friend will think you're after him.

8.  If you're the lower earning spouse, go for broke. I didn't hoping that the 'ex' and I would wind up on cordial terms.  Well, silly billy me.  Had I been more aggressive, I would have had lots more dosh and an ex-husband who hates me rather than making do with enough for my needs -and an ex-husband who hates me!  Still, I take comfort in being able to sleep at night, safe in the knowledge that, foolish though I may have been, I did what felt right at the time.

9.  Caveat emptor in the housing market.  You may be moving when you're at your lowest ebb and your judgement is skewed.  I bought the wrong house in the wrong place at the wrong time from a rogue developer.  When I moved in, there were key things missing like the carpets, the radiators and crucially, any sign of a gas meter.  He had left me some extras though, the blocked drains flooded the entire ground floor the first time I used the washing machine.

10.  Finally, take care of yourself.  Eat healthily, try to moderate your use of drugs and alcohol and do regular exercise.  Your children need you and those who still care need to know that you'll pull though and live to fight another day.  And you will.  Give it time, you'll get there.